Friday, July 27th and Saturday July 28th 2012

With midsummer upon us and with most of us fully ensconced into the spirit of the Olympics, what better comparison to the Bit Players than to these Olympic athletes and the games?   Oh, you scoff?  Well make no mistake, our Bit Players of the Firehouse Theater stage just like those you are watching on the world stage, are highly trained individuals in the sport of improv.  Although the Bit Players do NOT perform games, they are called BITS, per Jack Maytum (The Firehouse’s version of the IOC).  Did you also know that the five interlocked rings that symbolize the Olympic games represents the five parts of the world that compete in the Olympic games;  Blue for Europe, Black for Africa, Red for the Americas, Yellow for Asia, and green for Oceana? The Bit Players also sport different colors.  But the question remains, what do their colors (Black, Red, and Purple) represent?  Perhaps their fans would have a suggestion or shed some light on the issue? 

Dylan and Neal in "Stunt Doubles"

During Friday night’s Herculean efforts, the Bit Players physically challenged each other in a bit that found Brittany Hunt and Frank Fusaro on a trip to Disney World, riding the rides and each other, as their “Stunt Doubles” Dylan Eberle and Neal Leaheey acted out their actions of being carried piggy-back and making cotton candy.  Frank aptly expressed the exhaustive nature of the scene by exclaiming, “I should have taken the thin sister!”

Exercise and athleticism continued in “Irish Drinking Song” about Steve the retiree, performed by John Mulligan, Frank, Dylan, and Brittany.  Through song, we see Steve on the couch, watching TV and drinking lemonade. His wife declares that he is getting fat and needs exercise.  Steve tells his wife to go to hell and buys a Prius.  Steve proceeds to a stripper bar where the strippers there think his car is lame. Steve then goes to a second strip club where the strippers are the “B” squad and don’t shave their pits, but Steve is victorious in the end.

In  The Day The Eberle’s Steamboated/Riverboated  an “Epic Poem” performed by Neal, Sarah, and Frank about Dylan’s parents (who are NOT named Eberle) , we meet our couple on a riverboat casino.  On the riverboat, Mrs. Eberle was enjoying the speed of the vessel, as it was going so fast that her loins quivered.  Mr. Eberle must be a bit of a thespian as his character went on the riverboat casino’s stage and hit a high “C” and then hit the Jackpot.  As girls swarmed around Mr. Eberle and his winnings, Mrs. Eberle warned him, “You better not!”  All was well later that night as the couple retired to the Captain’s Suite, and Mr. Eberle gave Mrs. Eberle a little treat!

In “Doo Run Song” Carmella and Chad celebrating their 10^th year wedding anniversary were the focus.  In some good natured ribbing we saw Carmella doing nothing, except making muffins ,yet loving Chad with all his stuffing.  Chad was the one who was makin’ the bacon in the family.  But Brittany, Frank , and Dylan wished them well with a cheer for 10 more years, and possibly tickets to see Tears for Fears?  Watch the video - >  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d0eP8Al1NqI&feature=plcp

Neal sings his problem in"Bartender"

Brittany as Daryl Hannah(?)
in "Bartender"

Ending the 1^st set with their signature bit, “Bartender” with Dylan and Frank behind the bar., we meet our bar patrons, Neal, Brittany, and John who have unique problems that they sing to their bartenders looking for advice.  Neal who intoned about his problem of being harassed for being a male nurse was given some advice by Dylan to swim to Cuba in a move of reverse immigration, and set up a private practice there.  Brittany who did not have enough water, and as we learned was really Daryl Hannah from the movie Splash, was provided advice by Frank to find a Mer-Man, steal his eggs (I didn’t know mer-men had eggs???) and make mer-babies.  Lastly John who had problems with

John is directionally challenged
in "Bartender" 

directions had a GPS that was possessed by the ghost of Magellan. Dylan proffered some guidance that perhaps John was too reliant on technology and should go back to school and learn to use a sextant any maybe the use of sine, cosine, and tangent.

Bachelorette Megan is "Serenaded" by The Bit Players

In the second set,  civil engineer, Megan, celebrating with her bachelorette party was called to the stage to be “Serenaded” by the Bit Players.  Marrying City Planner, Stephen, the two met as judges at a Science Fair.

The highlight bit of the night, “Radio Show” plunged our audience into complete darkness.  With the narrative provided by Dylan in the story, “The Phone Comes to Arkansas” we meet our main character Daryl missing the last train out of town,  who was trying to get a message to  Anna, the woman he loves.  As Daryl is walking down the highway he sees headlights as James Jefferson offers to take Daryl to his love, Anna, in his buggy hooked to an electric horse.  As the two are rumbling down the road, Daryl  causes the electric horse to have a flat foot and they break down and crash into a nearby field.  This field was owned by none other than the notorious Mr. Briarpatty.  Mr. Briarpatty demands that they better have a good reason for crashing into his patch. Daryl reveals his tale of having to get a message to his love.  Mr. Briarpatty softens and offers to let Daryl use his electric horse with an attached telephone. Daryl however does not know how to use this newfangled device. The audience is left with the questions; Will Daryl learn how to dial a phone? Is Mr. Briarpatty hopped up on moonshine?  Find out in the next edition of Radio Show.

On Saturday, the Bit Players marathon efforts continued.   Not dissuaded by the torrential rains, the audience was at full capacity.  To their delight, Clayon McFarlane debuted in his first ever performance as the perpetrator in “Good Cop / Bad Cop”.  Interrogated by cops, Frank and Matt Lindman, Clayon had to confess to the crime of killing Inspector Gadget, with a Can Opener, in a Bottling Factory.

Anna, Kevin and Matt
in "Shakespeare Alphabet"

Clayon sings R&B in "Telethon"

In the spirit of the Olympic 2012 host country, London, England, the Bits offered the crowd a bit of old world theatre with “Shakespeare Alphabet”.  In this scene we see Kevin Killavey and Anna  Smith, joined by Matt, performing their thespian stylings .  In the end Anna displays her fencing prowess as she stabbed Matt with her épée protecting  the braless, Kevin.

Kevin croons jazz
in "Telethon"

Franks Raps for the cause
in "Telethon

Ending the first set on Saturday with “Telethon”, the Bit Players were high on their game. Hosted by Anna, the telethon about Fire Safety, like the Olympic torch, set the audience ablaze.  In this bit, the celebrity entertainers must sing in the song genres provided by the audience about the telethon's “cause”.  Kevin’s smooth jazz was noted as sparkly by host, Anna.  Clayon’s R&B stylings were introduced by Anna, who plugged Clayon's latest #1 hit tune, “Moving In Your Pants”.  Frank (aka Boss Son) was rolling with his rap with choruses of “Stop, Drop, and Roll”.  Rounding out the telethon was a duet by the 80’s group, “Princess” performed by Matt and Stephanie Conrad.

Matt and Stephanie
sing an 80's duet
in "Telethon

In the second set, for the pleasure of a large contingent in the back of the theater supporting two bachelorettes, Rebecca and Alicia to be wedded on August 2^nd, The Bit Players sang a “Serenade” .  Alicia a nurse, and Rebecca a surgical tech with Marion hospital were parodied in song.  Matt typified the well wishes to this couple (The Benedetti’s) on behalf of the Bits by saying “I hope that your wedding goes off without a snatch”…  Watch the video here -> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WQ_00yclC5A

Suri (Stephanie) is kidnapped
 by The Mormons (Anna, Clayon, and Frank)
as Katie watches in horror in Mini-Musical

Frank as L. Ron Hubbard's ghost
speaks to Tom (Matt) and Kevin (Katie)
in Mini-Musical

The Bit Players were on target as they hit the audience between the eyes with a “Mini-Musical” about the Book of Scientology.  Tom [Cruise]  (played by Matt) ,was depicted in this epic story.  Divorcing from Margaret(??) Tom finds himself alone.  Margaret (the re-baptized name of Katie Holmes played by Kevin) takes Suri (played by Stephanie) and heads off into the unknown.  Margaret exclaims, “Oh, No! It’s the Mormons!” as the Mormons (played by Anna, Frank, and Clayon)abduct Suri and take her away singing “Going to Utah”.  Margaret returns to Tom and tells him in song and dance about Suri’s abduction. Lamenting his losses, Tom exclaims that his life is in a shambles.  The couple is then visited by the ghost of L. Ron Hubbard who tells Tom he needs  to sign a new contract, to reunite with Margaret, AND come out [of the closet].  Tom confronts Margaret telling her that she fulfilled only a couple of his needs. Margaret croons that she would always love him and the two go off into the sunset. Watch the video here - > http://youtu.be/ZAaSv0Jklhs

Transcending reality and attaining Greek God-like status the Bit Players entertained their crowds with all the pageantry and regalia equal to that which the world is viewing across the pond, and hope that you too will be part of their next weekend of festivities.

 The Bit Players perform improv comedy every Friday and Saturday night at 8:00pm at the Firehouse Theatre, 4 Equality Park Place (off Broadway), Newport, RI 02840.  Please call the box office for reservations and information about all of the shows   401-849-FIRE (3473)  And it is always BYOB

Friday, July 20th and Saturday July 21st 2012

This question is for all you Tech-Geeks out there:  How many bits are there in a byte.  If you answered eight, you would be correct.  However, whether the question is how many bits in a byte, how many bytes in a megabyte, what to do if you have computer bugs or bed bugs, … at the Firehouse Theater,  we have all the answers, AND can do MORE with less.  Manned with six players and only one of the two regular musicians at each of the shows, the Bit Player’s performances still ran with full power, shocking their audiences with fits and jolts of laughter.

Frank, Brittany, and Kevin
in "Doo Run Song"

Physician, Tom and his Kinesiologist brother Nick got a taste of some Bit Player medicine in a “Doo Run Song” about them.  Admittedly they did provide some “hairy” fodder for the bits (Frank Fusaro, Brittany Hunt, and Kevin Killavey) to sing about.  And unbeknownst to Frank these were fellow bit, Brittany’s brothers.

Neal and Sarah in "Ding"

In “Ding” Neal and Sarah continued with more references to medicine/ anatomy and hair ( but not Tom’s this time) in a scene that began about “Hair Dressing” but ended up with the creation of a hair tonic made up of the blood of little neighborhood children.  Or was it???…. Perhaps,  something a little more sinister and gross…. Like menstrual bood??  Ewwwwwww…….

The Bit Players perform
"Serenade" for Payton

Audience member, Payton , and graduate of Willis High School in Texas, visiting Newport and her sister, Desiree, was called to the stage to be “Serenaded” by Frank, Brittany, Kevin, John Mulligan, Neal Leaheey, and Sarah Shepherd, accompanied by Chase Ceglie on keyboard.  Payton who declared her indecisiveness about her future plans was good-naturedly teased for her love of metal bands and video games.

Brittany and Frank in
"Tap the Audience" with Ben & Ben

In the second set of the night, two members of the audience, (Ben and Ben) were invited to the stage in a bit played by Frank and Brittany called “Tap the Audience”.    There seemed to be a medical theme running through the show.  In this scene about audiology we met Doctor Brittany who had a very interesting doctor /patient relationship with Frank who confessed to stabbing himself in the ear with a knife ( but not a corkscrew because that would be too weird)  all because Frank was in love with his audiologist, Brittany.  Sexual innuendo abounded in this scene where Frank wanted Brittany to “kiss his frog,  and the mention of swizzle sticks (Frank’s metaphor for a certain part(s) of Brittany’s anatomy).  All that sweet talking must have worked since Brittany agreed to run away together with Frank.  No, not to Tahiti, or the Galapagos Islands, Hawaii, or even Madagascar… Nope… Just run away together, down the street.  Click the link to view - > http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ckuf_zeOD50

Neal, Sarah, and Frank
in "Epic Poem"

Neal, Sarah, and Frank performed an “Epic Poem” for mortgage broker, Rich and his wife celebrating their 40^th wedding anniversary.  The poem, entitled “The Day that Rich Travelled” saw Rich travelling to far off lands such as Cambodia where he ate a pretend version of the Vietnamese delicacy “Pho” however,  it was “faux pho”.  But in the end Rich realized there is no place like home, and after forty years, he likes not being alone…” (awwwwwwww….)

Friday night’s performance may have been analogous to getting shocked by rubbing your feet on the carpet and then touching the door knob,  Saturday night’s show however, was like being electrocuted; You want to pull away, but your muscles contract, and against your better judgment, your body won’t let you.

Matt, Frank, Dylan and John perform "Irish Drinking Song"

The Bit Players started things off with just a light tazing with “Irish Drinking Song”, performed by Matt Lindman, Dylan Eberle, John and Frank, accompanied by Devon Mello on keyboards.  Innocent at the start, this song  about Roxanne the School Teacher finds our character transforming from a teacher molding young children’s minds to one who loses her job and then attempts to teach math via YouTube.  But somehow one of Roxanne’s videos of her smoking crystal meth goes viral. (Tsk-tsk-tsk!)

A bit that's an oldie and goodie at the Firehouse, “Doo Wop” was performed by the entire cast professing their love for their golf clubs.  However, Dylan turned the tables and stunned the crowd.  Needing something else in which to hit the ball, Dylan replaced his golf clubs with a Louisville Bat.

John, Stephanie, and Dylan
in "Party Quirks"

Bringing another game out of mothballs, the players resurrected “Party Quirks”, a game in which guests with unique problems, attend a party.  The host (Stephanie Conrad) attempts to guess the quirk of each of her guests.  First guest, Dylan wanted Stephanie to floss his teeth for him, John was reliving the Black Plague, Matt Lindman was indeed, Batman, and Clayon McFarlane was paranoid that his ears would fall off.

Frank and Matt in "Mini-Musical"

Dylan, Frank, Matt and John
in "Mini-Musical"

“Mini-Musical” about a cold burrito, had the audience in stitches, (or at least asking for painful electrolysis treatments) as we saw roommates, Frank, Matt, and Dylan having a dispute over a cold burrito after a night of drunkenness.  Dylan leaves the two and finds shelter in the apartment of John who has a fetish for Cheeto’s.  Frank and Matt come to the realization that they miss and want their roommate back, while John is being irritated by Dylan who stalks John and takes everything he owns including his clothing (even his Cheetos!), Matt and Frank end up kicking John out of his appartment and move in with Dylan in his new digs because “You can do what you want when you have money.”  Click the link to view this hilarious scene - > http://youtu.be/4If3HHvKGcc

The Bit Player’s signature bit, “Bartender” ended the first set. In this game, Stephanie and Matt manned the bar as patrons came to them declaring their problems and seeking advice.  John had an issue with computer bed bugs, to which Stephanie advised him to sing his computer to sleep at night, cajoling it, saying,  “Don’t let the bed bugs, bite”.  Clayon sang a song about… about….. ummmm, well, to tell you the truth, I don’t know what it was about, only that he had A.D.D. and couldn’t focus.  Frank had the dubious problem of losing his internet connection during his E-Harmony sign-up, and sadly, it happened to be E-Harmony’s FREE weekend.  Lastly, Dylan told of a heart-warming story of a boy overcoming his stuttering problem and transforming himself into a beat-box star.  Dylan’s story also taught a lesson to his childhood nemesis, Tony.  F-f-f-f-f-f-f-u-u-u-u-u-u- (..)  YOU, T-t-t-t-t-t-t-ony.

John Mulligan in "Press Conference"

In Saturday’s second set, John starred in “Press Conference”.  In this bit, the rest of the Bit Player cast poses questions to John to help provide him with clues to deduce who was his character, why his character was holding the conference, and where the conference was taking place.  Although the audience thought they threw John a curveball with the suggestions of Rainbow Sparkle/My Little Pony and his steroid use, John in fact, struggled to work out the press conference location, of a bouncy castle.

The Bit Players in "Serenade"
for Bachelorette, Bianca

Bachelorette Bianca, set to be wed on August 18^th, was thrilled to be called to the stage and “Serenaded” by the Bit Players.  The players had lots to sing about with Bianca’s self-transformation and weight loss, capturing the attention and love of her mechanic, beau, Matt.  Bianca told her tale of reacquainting with Matt in a bar years after attending Cambridge High School together where Bianca was then unnoticed, by Matt.

To cauterize this electrifying and somewhat traumatizing night, the Bit Players ended with… “I’ve got the Low-Down, Dirty, Olympic Blues”…

The Bit Players perform improv comedy every Friday and Saturday night at 8:00pm at the Firehouse Theatre, 4 Equality Park Place (off Broadway), Newport, RI 02840.  Please call the box office for reservations    401-849-FIRE (3473)  And as always, it is BYOB!

Friday, July 13th 2012

The definition of the term heckle is to harass and try to disconcert with questions, challenges, or gibes.   Unlike many in the entertainment field, The Bit Players not only encourage hecklers in their audience, (the Bits actually thrive on the challenges and gibes provided by them), the Bit Players make their hecklers part of the show . This was very evident in Friday night’s performance , to the delight of the spectators and the hecklers alike.

The Bit Players in "Story, Story, Die!"

Hosted by Matt Lindman, the night began with “Story, Story, Die!” a bit that involves an improve line which involved the entire cast and was directed by Vlad Tenenbaum.  The rules of the bit are that each player must continue the collective story without hesitation, and maintain the plot and characters previously established.  If, in the course of the story the player falters, Vlad has carte blanche to “kill off” the players.  In the story this night we meet Kendra who is in Newport with her ball, all suggestions provided by our boisterous crowd.  However the tables were soon turned as the players were killed off one by one.  With only Dylan Eberle and John Mulligan left standing the storyline went into the realm of the absurd as we see Kendra  at the beach, trying to conceal her erupting bowels from the man of her dreams.  Kendra poops in the ocean which angered the Greek God Poseidon.  Kendra attempts to reason with the God.  Her attempt appears successful, as Poseidon comes to the conclusion that “Everyone Poops” and allows Kendra to live, as does Dylan and John, who were joint victors in the game.

Vlad brought heckles and comments of delight from the crowd with his mime piece, “3 Poses”. In this bit Vlad asks members of the audience to provide him with poses which he will weave into a story told only through the use of mime .  Audience members Richard and Liz provided Vlad with the first two poses, and a third audience member completed the 3^rd pose for Vlad with a suggested title of “The Gymnast”. (Click the link to the video  to view Vlad doing what Vlad does best  -> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E5PZK4MzpmY&feature=youtu.be ).

In “Radio Show” the Players had their fun with a heckler in this bit entitled “The Night The Guy in the 4^th Row Died”.  In this pseudo-horror story, in the darkened theater, we meet the menacing guy in the 4^th row who agitates everyone around him, particularly the man seated behind him.  As the two men begin their confrontation, 4^th Row guy turns into a Were-Kodiac –Bear.  The man seated behind him, laughed, saying “You call THAT a Were-Kodiac –Bear?” and then proceeded to turn into a Were-Narwhal (a whale-like creature with an elongated upper canine tooth).  The Were-Narwhal then charged at the heckler turning him into a kabob. The moral of this story clearly illustrated “The Beasts Inside Us All”.

Vlad with Frank and Stephanie
in "Bartender"

John with Stephanie and Frank
in "Bartender"

Dylan with Stephanie and Frank
in "Bartender"

Matt with Stephanie and Frank
in "Bartender"

In the Bit Players signature piece, “Bartender” with Frank Fusaro and Stephanie Conrad as the bartenders, and Vlad, John, Dylan and Matt as the bars patrons, the audience again had the upper hand, (or so they thought), in providing the patrons with unique problems of which they would sing to their bartenders.  The bartenders would in turn sing advice back to their wary patrons.  Vlad was given the problem of Green Card/working papers.   In Vlad’s song however, he lamented in the fact that he was an alien who was in fact one in every sense of the word, including being green.  John’s car was a transformer and unfortunately killed off all of John’s dates .  Stephanie responded to John, telling him that his problem wasn’t so bad and that he could even end up with a date with Megan Fox.   Dylan was provided the problem of mushrooms.  Although picking mushrooms in his yard and eating them resulted in a “high” of unimaginable proportions, Frank added that ala Super Mario, mushrooms can also give you another life.  And finally, Matt’s problem was that he was “swirly”, which turned into being harassed and having his head continuously flushed by bullies at school.  Frank’s response was two-fold in that he cautioned Matt to make sure the person inhabiting the stall before Matt should be made to flush.  Also Frank crooned to Matt that “You can make them love you, if you want…” 

Stephanie in "Telethon"

In the second set, the Bit Players introduced a new game entitled, “Telethon” with the topic of plumbing, supplied by the audience.  In this bit the players are also given different genres of music to which they will sing their songs concerning the topic of plumbing in order to “raise money and awareness” for the cause.  The game was hosted by Vlad and the celebrity singers were Stephanie, Matt, Frank, John and Dylan, accompanied by Chase Ceglie on saxophone, and Devon Mello on keyboard.  Stephanie was given the genre of “sad and whiny”, to which she musically complained about using Febreeze.  Matt was given the style of Opera, to which he belted out a tale as Marco Polo.  Frank had the audience’s hands in the air as the notorious rapper, Cess Pool.  Then lastly John and Dylan engendered two Jamaican sisters in a reggae song all about plumbing.

Matt in "Telethon"

John and Dylan with the Bits
in "Telethon"

Frank in "Telethon"

Matt and Frank in "Tap the Audience"
with audience members Kendra and Jason

Two audience members were asked to the stage, the aforementioned Kendra (to which the Story, Story Die bit was about) and fellow audience member Jason.  In this bit called “Tap the Audience” Kendra and Jason, when tapped, were to fill in the blanks with dialog to be used by Matt and Frank. In this scene about Dog Catchers, we see Matt and Frank creating a lucrative business venture in catching other animals and turning them into dogs.  They did not become Millionaires, Billionaires, or even Zillionaires… No, Jason simply categorized their wealth in terms everyone could understand by saying “Remember Google?”

The Bit Players in "Musical Fairy Tale"

The nights antics ended in “Musical Fairytale” in a fairly tale of the audience’s choosing. The entire cast of players then sang their own version of the story, Little Red Riding Hood.

The Bit Players perform improv comedy every Friday and Saturday night at 8:00pm at the Firehouse Theatre, 4 Equality Park Place (off Broadway), Newport, RI 02840.  Please call the box office for reservations    401-849-FIRE (3473)  And as always, it is BYOB!

Friday, July 6th and Saturday, July 7th 2012

Peter Ustinov once said, “The sound of laughter has always seemed to me to be the most civilized music in the universe.”  Weigh that against Woody Allen’s quote on laughter, “I am thankful for laughter, except when milks comes out of my nose”, and we can reason that Woody Allen must be a highly civilized individual.  With that logic in place, it can be argued that the Bit Players are the most cultured, polished, and refined human beings in the universe, (or at least in Newport).  And since you chose to be entertained by them, then you too are part of this sophisticated set.  Can everyone raise their pinky finger now, please?  *spoken with an upturned nose with a slight nasal quality*… Indubitably .

And you, our elite guests, were privy to a whirlwind show on Friday, flying though a record nineteen “bits” hosted by Vlad Tenenbaum.

Sarah, Stephanie, and Matt perform "Slideshow"
Hosted by Frank

Our jet set crowd was taken on a tour of Germany, through Frank Fusaro’s “Slide Show” where we met a Henry Winkler impersonator and saw a statue in tribute to David Hasselhoff.   We also got a glimpse into German culture where we learned that women in law enforcement in Germany cannot shoot other females.  (Perhaps that explains why Heidi Klum is still alive????  Just this author’s observation).



Frank, Brittany, and Matt in "Doo Run Song"



Amanda from Connecticut and Northeastern University student was the object of a “ Doo Run Song” performed by Frank, Matt Lindman, and Brittany Hunt.  Evidently, Amanda has a pretty fine “Hall Pass” as described by Matt.



Vlad and Matt in "LCD"



In “LCD” (Location, Career, Death) we witnessed a wonderful bit of mime performed by the incomparable Vlad.  In this bit we saw Vlad use his body to relay the audience supplied information to Matt where the location was a Tall Ship, the occupation was an Undertaker, and the object was a mirror with which Matt used to kill Vlad.

The Bit Players in "Love Song"

We slowed things up a scosche, with “Love Song” where the entire Bit Player cast sang a song professing their love for George Clooney.  We learned because of George’s great chin not only did Frank want to be one of his Descendants and that Frank would do George, we also learned that perhaps Ellen may become straight for George.  (Who knew?) Watch the clip here ->

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZZ7xMPue3oY&feature=plcp

Vlad and Matt in "Stunt Doubles"

In the second set we were provided a bit of culture and panache as our ballerina actors Brittany and Sarah Shepherd took us through the rigors of dance training and Matt and Vlad performed as their “Stunt Doubles” in a hilarious scene.

Vlad, Matt, and Frank perform "Epic Poem"

A very fervent audience member, Charles and his acting aspiration were the topics of a poem undertaken in “Epic Poem” proportions by Vlad, Frank, and Matt, in “The Day Charles Performed”.  In this grand prose we saw Charles performing Shakespeare, without fear, perhaps making other men queer.  In keeping with the sonnet’s theme, our lead character then unzipped his pants and exclaimed, “Look upon this, if thou canst, for this is my holy lance!”

"Brittany, Stephanie, and Sarah as Bachelorettes
with Matt as the Dater and Frank hosting in
"The dating Game"

“Dating Game” saw our trio of lovely ladies, Brittany, Sarah, and Stephanie Conrad as eligible bachelorettes with unique baggage assigned to them by the audience, with Sarah being obsessed with “Where’s Waldo?”, Stephanie who thought she was “Cinderella”, and Brittany who had a penis for a nose.  Our dater, Matt had the luxury of selecting one of these fine felines.  Whom he would choose as his love match?  In the end..., his searching  over, he found Sarah.

The nineteenth, and final bit of the night was “Blues Song” fittingly about engagements during these months of summer love.  (Hopefully everyone will remember to sign a “prenup”).

Saturday’s scorching heat (or the imbibing that was done to quench the thirst) was perhaps the impetus behind all civility experienced the previous night, being thrown out the window.  Or was it perhaps because it was Lobo’s inaugural show? Well, who knows…  But the energy in the room a bit more urbane (to say the least).

Frank, hosting the night’s show, added to tempestuousness of the crowd by prompting them to say, when cued “It’s not all about you, Katie!” for a bachelorette party who was due to arrive late to the show.

In “Genres” performed by Clayon McFarlane and Matt, and joined by John Mulligan we were subject to a whole gamut of stereotypes from digging ditches in the south to the sexual innuendos at Jersey Shore.

Vlad performs "Good Morning"

Vlad tried to bring things back to a more well-mannered show, in  a “Good Morning” mime piece,  but the crowd had other ideas with their suggestions , providing him with alarm clock, birth control, make-up, I Phone, and dildo.  When Vlad “became” the latter, the audience erupted with laughter and applause.



John, Lobo, frank, and Matt in "Irish Drinking Song"



Tim “Lobo” Linhares jumped in with both feet in “Irish Drinking Song” accompanied by fellow Bits, John, Frank and Matt.  In this song about Earl the pool boy, we saw our character taking on a new business venture as a male gigolo, but his only client ended up being John Travolta.



Vlad and Frank as "Bartenders" and John as the patron



In “Bartender”… All I can say is that John went to CRAZYTOWN and the crowd went along for the ride!  With his audience suggested problem of his phone shrinking his brain, John became Zoey Deschanel from,  “Elf” and currently, “New Girl”.  Click here to view the video clip ->

http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&feature=endscreen&v=9YBEPZ8UcxM

Vlad and John in "Stunt Doubles"

John’s antics did not subside in the second half of the show as he took on “Stunt Doubles” with Vlad, and with Clayon and Matt as Gladiator actors, Artemis and Maximus.  In a moment of either utter genius or complete insanity, when the stunt doubles filled in for the actors who have been moistened with water, John bared his chest and proceeded to mop Vlad’s face with his shirt, to the incredulity (horror??) of the audience.

Bachelorette, Katie is "Serenaded" by Matt

Bachelorette, Katie was again recognized and called to the stage for a “Serenade” performed by the whole cast.  Katie who is to be wed to Ian, a tennis court installer, met her beau, as a young lass during Irish Step Dancing classes and later reconnected with him in a bar.  This was all fodder and fun for the Bits as they good naturedly teased the bride-to-be and her all-girl clan in the back of the theater.



John and Frank as actors
with Vlad and Lobo as their
"Helping Hands"



John and Frank teamed up in a scene about a tailor and a rich man (Mr.  Belvadeer) in “Helping Hands” assisted by Lobo and Vlad acting as their “hands”.  After donning a pair of pearl glasses Mr. Belvadeer was heard to say “The world looks poorer.”  Mr. Belvadeer also provided his tailor with advice to. “Just fake it.” But later rescinded his advice, telling his tailor “When you fake it, you just look stupid!”

Steve and Lauren, a couple celebrating their 1^st year wedding anniversary, who met via a Jewish Dating Service, and were both consultants,  were delighted  (perhaps not so much…after the Bits got done with them) by being the topic of a “Doo Run Song” performed by Clayon, Frank, and Matt.

A surprised audience member, Eric, got to live out his secret dream through an “Epic Poem” narrated by Vlad, Lobo, and John, in “The Day Eric Golfed”.

The night of lunacy ended with “Blues Song” about the Olympic Games.  John declined all good will and sportsmanship as he proclaimed that he would walk into the heart of Mordor and steal all five rings.  Clayon was ambitious in his claim that he wanted, “… only gold, goddammit!  Won’t settle for bronze or silver, you can have it!”  Matt was performing solo, in games of his own creation, with Olympic masturbation.  But Frank was a true fan of watching women’s beach volleyball.

And … as an appropriate measure of Saturday night, at the conclusion of the show, a “fart noise” was heard over the din.  So, dear reader… what is your affiliation?  Civilized or uncouth?  Pick your poison.  Good times can be had by all at a Bit Player show!  But be forewarned!

The Bit Players perform improv comedy every Friday and Saturday night at 8:00pm at the Firehouse Theatre, 4 Equality Park Place (off Broadway), Newport, RI 02840.  Please call the box office for reservations    401-849-FIRE (3473)  And as always, it is BYOB!

Friday, June 29th and Saturday, June 30th 2012

In the immortal words of the legendary Meatloaf,  “On a hot summer night would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses?”  And so it was that unbeknownst to the audience, like baby lambs being hunted by the hungry, circling wolves, The Bit Players lulled the crowd into a false sense of security and then pounced, taking them by surprise.  Ahhh…  but the gathering herds on Friday and Saturday did take pleasure in that pain, going willingly to the slaughter!

The Bit Players in "Story, Story, Die!"

Beginning Friday night with “Story, Story, Die” the blood of those Bits who didn’t entertain us, one by one, was spilled by Vlad Tenenbaum, as we listened to the story about Tony with his scissors at the car wash.  We learned that Tony’s priest pronounced Tony as unclean as his rusty scissors.  With an iron fist, that priest vowed to cleanse Tony of his sins.  But it wasn’t the disposition of his immortal soul that Tony feared, it was that he was desperately seeking a receipt for the car wash, lest his priest force him to pay taxes!  And it was Bit Player newbie, Sarah Shepherd (last name - another unintentional sheep reference??  ) who displayed her prowess at storytelling, keeping up with Matt Lindman, line for line!

Matt, John, and Jim in "Doo Run"

Amusingly, there was a TONY in the audience.  Sweet and funny Tony, as described by his kind and pretty girlfriend, Connie were the subject of a “Doo Run Song” sung by Matt , John Mulligan, and Jim Foley.

Stephanie, Neal, and Vlad in
"Lat to Work"

In “Late to Work” we saw chronically late, Stephanie Conrad offering up an excuse to her irritated boss, Neal Leaheey for her latest bout of tardiness.  Her excuse was provided to her though mime, by Vlad Tenenbaum.  The excuses suggested by the audience were that Stephanie had run out of gas.  When Stephanie got out of her car she kicked and knocked over Big Foot.  Not fearing this creature but instead feeling sorry for him, Stephanie’s heart was captured and she fell in love with Big Foot.  The two crazy love birds got engaged and went to Vegas for their nuptials.  But because Stephanie is such a dedicated employee, she and her hairy groom jumped on the next magic carpet out of Vegas and flew back to her place her business.

Neal, Matt, and Jim in "Epic Poem"

Young Dan, leaving for West Point, to become an Army officer, was rewarded in “Epic Poem” style as Neal, Matt, and Jim gave Dan a glimpse into his life as a national wresting champion.

Jim's response to Matt in "Bartender"

The first set ended with the Bit Players going for the audience’s jugular in “Bartender”.  With Matt’s suggested problem of being born at the North Pole, the rebellious Matt conveyed to the crowd his dislike of his “family’s business” wanting to be a dentist instead of a carpenter.  But the painful pleasure was not over as Jim continued the frolicking madness of North Pole life in his retort to Matt, bringing the song to a fitting end, with a chorus of “The Island of Misfit Toys”.

Neal, Matt, Jim and John
perform "Irish Drinking Song"

The second set of Friday was equally inimitable.  Two newly engaged lambs, uhh…. I mean audience members , substitute teacher, Sarah, and Greg currently serving in the Army were sacrificed to the Celtic gods in “Irish Drinking Song” performed by Neal, Matt, Jim, and John.

Matt and Jim in "Sounds Like A Song"

Matt and Jim saved us all from impending death in a self-destructing space ship by successfully completing the Rubix Cube sequence in “Sounds Like A Song”.  Ceres, the ship’s computer perversely announced that the crisis had been “aborted”, only to be corrected by our hero Jim, who admonished Ceres, schooling  her in linguistics and the difference between  the words aborted and averted.

The Bit Players perform "Musical Fairy Tale"

Friday night ended the only way it could end with a “Musical Fairy Tale” about Beauty and the Beast.  In this tale we found out that the Beast was truly a beast as Belle learned that he had a penchant for young boys named Chip.  But our innocent Belle, turned the tables and left Beast for the candlestick, Lumiere.

Brittany and Frank remain in "Story, Story, Die!"

Saturday night found us all on slippery, and sometimes thin ice with all of the figure skating references, beginning with “Story, Story, Die” and Kyra’s figure skating championship.

Anna Smith, Brittany Hunt, and Dylan Eberle entertained two young men in the audience with a “Doo Run Song”.  The subject of the song, Isaac, was described as vengeful, but with a golden heart by his friend from elementary school , Paddy.  Isaac depicted his friend Paddy as being both awesome and also “falafel ?” perhaps because Isaac plans on eating his friend after the show???

Dylan, Tim, and Frank in
"Good Cop / Bad Cop"

Tim Bric was literally down for the kill in “Good Cop / Bad Cop” as the perpetrator.  Tim nailed the clues provided by cops, Frank Fusaro and Dylan Eberle from the audience suggested crimes.  Tim confessed to murdering Robert E Lee, with an iPhone, in a Western Union.

"I Love You" performed by the Bit Players

Civil War references were in abundance this night in “I Love You”, a song proclaiming the Bit Players love for Abraham Lincoln. Appropriately,  on this weekend of beasties with fangs, and creatures lurking in the night,  there were references not only to our most famous president, his characteristic stove top hat, and his stance on emancipation, but the song also paid omage to Lincoln: The Vampire Hunter.

The Bit Players in "Genres"

The show went from bizarre to really bizarre in “Genres” as Bit Player newcomer, Clayon McFarlane jumped into the ring with fellow Bit, Brittany in a scene starting on Mt Olympus.  With the changes in genres and the rest of the cast joining in the fray, things went homoerotic as the scene moved into “Top Gun”.   Clothes started being ripped off as Frank and Dylan portrayed Goose / Maverick vs. Iceman / Slider in the infamous Top Gun volley ball scene. Click the link to see the wackiness that ensued: --> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1yUZdFCTkEw&feature=plcp

An “Epic Poem” entitled “The Day Louise Skated” was performed by Anna, Frank and Dylan for audience member Louise .  The poem, all about Louise’s secret desire to become an ice skater, gave Louise a taste of a life that could have been.

"Serenade" for Paige performed by The Bit Players

In the second set, Paige, a High School student attending Middletown South HS in New Jersey was “Serenaded” by the Bits.  Paige was visiting Rhode Island and looking at URI as a prospective student.  Frank cautioned Paige that if selecting URI as a school, that when she looked at him, she was seeing her future as an alumnus of URI.

Clayon, Brittany, and Tim starred in “Moondoggie” hosted by Matt.  In this episode, our expert, Richer- Ra informed us on the dietary needs of Cerberus, the three-headed guard dog of hell.  We learned that Cereberus eats anything he wants and he was fathered by Primo, a three-headed kitten.

The Bits Players in "Dating Game"

A crowd favorite, “The Dating Game” hosted by Frank, and with dater Brittany, (who may have been looking for love in all the wrong places), had to choose between the eligible bachelors, Tim, Anna, and Dylan.  Each of our bachelors had a “Unique Quality” about each of them, which was provided by the audience.  Tim was blessed with having four arms, Anna was a serial killer, and Dylan was reliving Woodstock.  In the end, Brittany chose love with hippie freak, and hopped up on purple-murple, Dylan.

Audience members Paige and Amy
with Bit Players, Anna and Frank in
"Tap The Audience"

A mutton… I mean… a glutton for punishment, Paige came back to the stage joined by fellow audience member Amy in a bit performed by Frank and Anna called “Tap the Audience”.  During this week in Newport, we fittingly set sail in the scene and navigate through the disturbing waters of Frank and Anna’s father/ daughter relationship

And so my fine friends, as the full moon rises over Newport on this sultry night, be careful to stay out of the shadows, and listen closely to the creatures that lurk somewhere in a darkened theatre.  They will be eagerly waiting your return… But remember… bring along a friend.   Mmmmmwwwwaaaaahhhhaaaaaaaaa…..

The Bit Players perform improv comedy every Friday and Saturday night at 8:00pm at the Firehouse Theatre, 4 Equality Park Place (off Broadway), Newport, RI 02840.  Please call the box office for reservations.   401-849-FIRE (3473)  And as always, it is BYOB!